


The body remembers

by liliaeth



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, M/M, Post-Finale, Psychological Trauma, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-12 17:34:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28514268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liliaeth/pseuds/liliaeth
Summary: Scott flinches at Theo's touch, he hates that he does so, because Theo doesn't deserve it, not anymore.
Relationships: Scott McCall & Derek Hale, Scott McCall & Theo Raeken, Scott McCall/Theo Raeken
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42
Collections: Sceo Secret Santa 2020





	The body remembers

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spikeface](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spikeface/gifts).



> Written for the Sceo Secret Santa for Spikeface

He had flinched.

Theo had immediately pulled away from him. Afterward, he had been hesitant in his movements, and Scott hated that. He’d fought so hard to make it clear to Theo that he deserved this chance, that he was right to prove himself, and that Scott was fine with him.

But in that moment, as Theo had loomed over him, his claws had still been out as he got ready to check Scott’s injuries. Scott had flinched, and Scott saw it in the other man’s eyes: acceptance and understanding that Scott could not ever possibly forgive him.

Scott hated that and hated himself for putting that in Theo’s eyes. He knew just how hard Theo worked at being better, at changing.

It was just one moment, when he opened his eyes, with the pain in his chest and with Theo’s claws touching part of his body, he remembered the moment where Theo had clawed at his heart, tearing through the flesh, trying to kill him. He remembered it whether he wanted to or not.

The worst part was that Scott had thought he’d gotten rid of that fear.

He hadn’t wanted to live stuck in that moment, he hadn’t wanted to remember that night in the library or the hate in Liam’s eyes. He hadn’t wanted to remember knowing just how much he’d failed them all. He’d tried to push all of it down – the anger, the fear, the hate – as he did with everything else. No matter how hard he tried, it kept forcing its way up.

“Theo.”

But Theo was already leaving the room. The threat was gone, and Scott was safe. 

“Let him go, Scott. “

“But he’s…”

“Scott.” Derek forced him to stay put and continued checking his injuries.

Scott didn’t see the need for Derek to keep doing it; he’d be fine. He’d healed from far worse. Whenever he had said something like that, Derek only turned into more of a mother hen. Worst of all, he’d threaten to get Stiles or Mom involved. And that just couldn’t happen.

“Someone needs to look in on Theo.”

“He’ll be fine.” Except that he wouldn’t be. Scott wasn’t sure how to make that clear.

Liam volunteered to go talk to him, and it made Scott breathe easier that at least someone would be there for Theo. Theo had helped Liam, and Liam knew – had to know – that Scott had forgiven the chimera, even if his body sometimes forgot.

“Now sleep. Your body can’t heal if you don’t give it a chance to do so.”

Scott cringed at the worry in Derek’s voice, so he let himself be pushed onto the couch. He could feel the wounds closing. They always did after all. He didn’t get why people worried so much. He was always fine.

He breathed easier when Liam managed to get Theo back into the room, back into the warmth were he belonged.

Scott couldn’t get himself to fall asleep until he could hear Theo’s breathing even out as the chimera finally dozed off. Scott wanted him closer, but Theo had placed himself against the wall on the other side of the room, away from everyone else. Focused on protecting the others from himself.

Theo woke up first the next morning, and got up to make some breakfast. Theo joked around, so it meant he’d put his mask back up to pretend that everything was normal. But Scott saw how he waited till last to get something to eat, as if unsure any of it were meant for him. He wasn’t part of the pack after all.

Scott wanted to tell him he was. That he’d proved himself. But he also knew that Theo wouldn’t believe him if he said so. Not now. He’d see it as an excuse. It wouldn’t be enough.

It hurt, breaking apart like this, but Scott did what he always did, he picked up the pieces and tried to hold them together for dear life, because he knew he had to. The pieces itched and scratched, but the glue worked. For now.

Derek approached him while they were alone. “Scott… if he… if he tried something again.”

“No. I wish he did.”

Derek looked baffled.

“He doesn’t trust himself around me. He thinks I’m scared of him, that I still hate him.”

“Do you?”

Scott closed his eyes. “I know Stiles thinks I should. I just can’t. He’s trying so hard.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“I want to forgive him. I have forgiven him.”

“So?”

“So why is part of me still … why can’t I have him touch me, without seeing the library? I’ve moved on, he’s changed, why…”

“Just because your mind has moved on, doesn’t mean your body has, Scott.”

“It was two years ago, Derek.”

“He killed you. You trusted him and he betrayed you, sent your beta after you, murdered you. Most Alphas would have exiled him at the least, probably killed him. I can’t think of any that would allow someone like that to stay that near to the pack, and then feel bad that they can’t just get over it.”

“You did with Peter?”

“I’d never once willingly slept in the same room with Peter, Scott. And the only reason I never kicked him out of town, is because at least when he’s here, I can keep an eye on him.”

“And because you still feel guilty.”

“Maybe.”

“You know you shouldn’t. What Kate did, wasn’t your fault, and whatever blame Peter can put on you, he’s lost the right to complain about years ago.”

Derek snorted at that. “It’s easier to say that, than to live it, Scott.”

Scott looked away.

“So what do I do?”

“Talk to him about it, work it out. For both your sakes.”

“I hate this.” Scott whispered. “I hate feeling like this.”

“Like what?”

“Like I’m holding a grudge. Like I can’t let go.”

“Scott, if you were holding a grudge, you would have every right to do so. After everything Theo did to you, you’d have every right to want revenge on him. Except … you don’t. There’s a difference between being petty and dealing with trauma. Pushing something like that down, ignoring it, won’t make it go away.”

“When did you get so wise?”

“Wasting years using anger as my anchor. I know what that feels like. To let your past pain run your life. It’s no way to live.”

“Then how do I get past it?”

“Talk to Theo, tell him how you feel.”

“But what if he…”

“You can’t always put other people’s feelings ahead of your own. It’s not fair to you, or to him for that matter.”

Scott shivered, and looked out the window, staring at Theo standing at some coke machine. He’d been out to get a drink for the past half hour. Trying to stay out of the motel room, giving Scott his space.

Scott stretched out, hesitating a moment before he walked up to the chimera.

“Theo?”

This time it was Theo who flinched. He covered it up with a smirk. But it was as fake as Theo’s leather jacket. The one he’d gotten at some bargain bin in the last town they’d been at, after he’d ruined his last decent jacket pushing himself in front of some poor hapless Omega they’d never met before. And whom they’d probably never meet again.

“You want me to leave, don’t you?”

“What makes you think that?”

“The way everyone else is glaring at me.”

“They shouldn’t be doing that.”

“Tell that to Stiles.” But there was no ire behind the words.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For making you feel guilty.”

“Stop being a fucking martyr. After what I did, you’d have had every right to kill me. And believe me, I’m grateful you didn’t. But what are you even apologizing for?”

“I…”

“I’ve had a long time to think on things. And you were right, I was ‘barely even human’ when I did what I did. I was so damn busy trying to be the perfect evil that the Doctors wanted me to be, fooling myself into thinking that meant I mattered. That I was using them, when I was nothing more than a screw-up showing them what not to do.”

“You know you’re more than that. You saved that man last week. If it hadn’t been for you, he’d be dead.”

“If I’m anything, it’s because you gave me a chance. And I know it’s hard on you. And it’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair that you have to put up with the likes of me. And I’m grateful. But I don’t want to hurt you, not anymore.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Except that it is.” He took a step closer. Scott had to fight the urge to take a step back. “See, you’re hurting, and it’s my fault.”

“I keep seeing the library. I keep going back there. And I don’t know why. I thought it was behind me;”

“There’s days I wake up, and I’m back in the Doctor’s lair. Scared to open my eyes and hear them, hear them breathing, hear them telling me I’m a failure. It’s nobody’s fault. It just is.”

There’d been the light of the moon behind him in the library. The golden in Theo’s eyes. The silver glint on his claws. And Scott felt the phantom pain in his chest.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“And I don’t want to hurt you. And I know what you’re going to say, that you shouldn’t feel like that. Except … you have every right to feel however you feel after what I did. And I wish I didn’t make you feel even worse.”

“I can work on it.” Scott said.

“For you.” Scott stared at Theo’s vehemence. “You shouldn’t work on it for me. You should do so for your sake.”

Scott looked away.

“I’ve been seeing Morell. The vet’s sister. She’s pretty good at this kind of thing. Why haven’t you gone to see her?”

And the answer was that he didn’t even know why. He had to be strong; he could handle it.

“Scott, it’s okay if you want me to leave. You have every right, every reason to be pissed at me. It’s not right that you’re making my hurt feelings more important than your own. If you need me to leave, to get out of your sight so you can get better. I will.”

Scott grabbed his hand.

“But I don’t want you to leave. I don’t.”

“Then what do we do?”

“I don’t know.”

He wished he had an answer, for either of them. But then that’s the problem with life, isn’t it. It was never that easy.


End file.
